Why do I strive to be something I’m not?

Those of you how know me personally would probably (read: hopefully) say I was quite outgoing, confident and bubbly. Oh, and funny. However, what most people (other than the closest friends) don’t know, is I struggle hugely with self-confidence.

Let’s get something straight first. This isn’t a blog looking for affirmation from anyone. I’ve been reading a load of ‘body confidence’ post in Instagram recently, so I thought I would put my ten cents in.

The problem with me – in terms of appearance – is that I want to look like other people. I see these women gracing the pages of Elle and Vogue and wonder what the hell I have to do to look like one of those. Yes, I know, “eat less and move more.” Give me a break, I’ve joined a gym, been flooring it there and eating more salad than my pet rabbit.  Still, the scales stay the same, and still I look in the mirror and hate what is staring back at me.

Now, this is where it’s a bit messed up. I don’t (think I) want to change. I don’t want to look like a supermodel, because even then I’ll wish I had bigger boobs or a more rounded bum. That’s what I’m like. What I want, is to want to look like me. To get some sort of positive attitude towards the way I look and just ‘own it’.  There are women on Instagram who probably weight twice as much as me who parade around in swimwear like “GIRLLLLLL” and I want just a shred of their confidence. I can’t even remember the last time I wore beach wear without a cover up.

Why is it that I can’t love who I am? I mean, for goodness sake, this is my body. It keeps me alive. Why do I want to change it?

It doesn’t help when you’re surrounded by folks ‘on a diet’ – whether you’re at work or at play. I overheard a girl at the gym saying “I need to get shredded, look at my fat legs.” Her legs were thinner than my arms. I could see straight through the middle of them. I know it’s all subjective, but here we have folks who weigh less than me and wear a small size in clothes. If THEY think they need to diet, what the hell do they think about me?

Anyway, in a bid to drag myself up out of my pit of self-loathing, I’ve got my hands on a copy of Chloe Brotheridge’s book The Anxiety Solution. She’s a hypnotherapist and anxiety expert and promotes self-love. The book has a big section on comparison and how to stop social media from bringing you down and making you anxious. I’m going to give it a whirl and see how I get on. In the meantime, if anyone out there has reading tips or Instagrammer’s to follow, then give me a shout. More on this later…

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