First things first – if you think it’s acceptable to provide your girlfriend / mum / sister with half a bottle of Coco Chanel perfume or underwear with no tags on – it is not, so why you decided to add insult to injury by lifting those items from my house on Saturday night, I have no idea, but someone you know must have really low gift standards. In fact, they must have low standards altogether if they are going out with a thieving ass who drives around in a Silver Citroen people carrier. Yes, we saw you.
Let’s start at the beginning though shall we? Since 2008 when I graduated from University, I saved a couple of hundred pounds per month to save up for ‘the big things’ in life – a deposit for a house and my dream car, a Mini Cooper. Luckily, meeting my boyfriend Mark meant that I didn’t have to worry too much about the deposit for the time being, as he already had a house which I moved into around six months ago, meaning I could finally afford to splash out on that car I had been waiting for, but of course you already knew that.
As you also probably noticed whilst wandering around inside our home, we like things which are quite unique – although you have most of them now – but I was quite certain what I wanted to spend my savings on – the Mini had to be Nightfire Red, had to have low mileage, and had to cost under £10,000 – and by some absolute miracle, on 27 December, that exact car popped up on my AutoTrader feed. I didn’t sleep for three days – I knew I had to have it, and when I went to view the car on December 30 – it was mine within the hour. I didn’t stop smiling for a week, in fact, I probably didn’t stop smiling until last Saturday when I came home to find a big ugly hole where it had once stood.
Walking towards our house, the world moved in slow motion, it wasn’t until I saw our front door caved in and our house torn apart that the reality of what happened really hit me, I fell to the ground and wailed my heart out – and I don’t half have a pair of lungs on me, it brought everyone in our seven house cul-de-sac out for a look – it’s a shame they didn’t show the same level of interest at 8.30pm that evening when you and your friends were kicking our doors in with your size 10’s – thanks for leaving the footprints by the way.
Whilst you were at home counting your swag, the police came and I drank whiskey, then we laid amongst the remainder of our belongings until the sun came up the next morning and the SOCO man came out to take your prints and everything you left behind. Then my uncle arrived to replace the carpets your dirty little marks were all over. As Sunday dragged on, we began to trawl through the mess and discover the extent of the theft – aside from my car, the other big loss was my boyfriends almost new Gas Gas Pro 300 Adam Raga replica trials bike and helmet, as well as everything you could try to sell on – don’t bother with the pawn shops, I’ve already circulated a list complete with serial numbers – and we have tags on all the ‘for sale’ websites.
I hope you’re enjoying watching the latest TV on the pair of 42″ plasma TV’s you lifted, enjoy it whilst you can, because I hope you won’t be enjoying much visual stimulation when you get caught – if not for this crime, but for one in the future. You see, I believe you’ll get what’s coming, try reading a book called ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne, it will give you an idea of what you can expect, I had two copies, you could have taken one of those when you were rifling though my underwear, but then again, I’d be surprised if you can handle books without pictures, after all, you don’t strike me as the most educated human beings – in fact, you are probably the dumbest individuals to have ever set foot on our street – I mean, you couldn’t work out how an interior doorknob worked so you just crow-barred our door open. Perhaps you were off on that day of robbery school – did you put my tights over your head though so at least you could pretend?
Whilst I am sure your female companions are delighted with the Chanel handbag you have given them, my grandmothers engagement ring and the plethora of other gold and silver you ragged from my wardrobe (I hope she burns her fingers off on my GHD’s by the way), the music on the iPod probably isn’t to your taste, I was a music journalist you see before I moved into the world of Motorsport PR, which is why I am using everything I have learned since I was at University as well as my media contacts to find you and my things – I used to question if I could ‘do’ this PR stuff, but you have only helped me realise the skills I have – so thank you for that – I am sure prison will teach you some skills when you eventually end up there.
You’ll see my car is probably one of the most famous in the UK as well at the moment. Thanks to the power of social media, it has now been shared over 2,000 times and the story has been run in the Huddersfield Examiner and will be coming out in the local press on Friday, as well as running in the national press at a later date. Even the Mini press office have been in touch (the advantages of working in Motorsport PR) and will be flagging up the car across the UK and even offered to help me should I want to replace it in the future. I wouldn’t bother coming back for that one as it will have a tracker fitted, as does my partners BMW M3, if that’s what you came for initially.
Speaking of cars, it’s probably best to ditch the silver people carrier too, after we pulled out of our street and you bumbled back down our drive, we did see you when we left the house by the way (oops) you all left the scene in convoy and the three vehicles (my Mini, the trials bike and your own car) almost hit another motorist, who then followed you, and thankfully gave that route to the police so they could track you on CCTV – it’s getting awkward now isn’t it?
So, you have one of two choices, leave my car somewhere the police can pick it up (unlikely, I know) or look forward to being famous – you’ve probably always wanted that haven’t you, being a no-hoper at school and having nothing to show for yourself in adult life – because when they find you, Twitter will make sure you’re a national celebrity.
As for us, we will still live the life we always have, enjoying the things we work hard to earn, whether that be something as simple as a bottle of fine wine or a luxury holiday and that appreciation for life and hard work is something you can never take away from us.
Good luck…. Number six.